100,000 Times More Interesting Than Dream Job

Bill Simmons is having an intern contest to replace the tries-too-hard Jamie Agin. They've whittled it down to 25. They each got 400 words to convince Simmons to hire him/her. I can do that better. Shorter Sports Guy Intern Contest:

1. I swear we think just alike; I won't be ignored.
2. Britney's vagina is unclean, and I was on Nickelodeon.
3. My knowledge of stuff you'd find interesting is average.
4. I know how much you hate Peyton Manning.
5. I like to molest ladyfriends of my enemies.
6. I have never gotten laid.
7. A woman writing about her bowel movements interests the male readers.
8. I think spelling jokes are clever.
9. My friends don't let me near the stereo at parties.
10. I know you like breasts.
11. I can't help but brag about my existing internship.
12. Matt Luckham speaks in the third person and thinks grammar jokes are clever.
13. A woman writing about urination interests the male readers.
14. My dad wasn't there growing up; I like porn.
15. People throw feces at me because of my radio show's embarrassing name.
16. I will pimp Bill Belichick's daughter for the job.
17. I was a Z-list reality TV star.
18. I am kind of bitchy in bars.
19. I'm a good speller except for the word nauseous.
20. I think sentimentality will get me further with you.
21. You helped me find a man.
22. I tend to put things off.
23. I'm funnier than Stuart Scott.
24. You lied to me four years ago.
25. I have intimacy issues.

In actuality, I think 5 and 14 are the frontrunners. Or at least that's who I'd back. 5 for the closing punchline. 14 for the stellar porn dialogue. I'm pretty sure 19 wasn't writing ironically. If he was, he's simply unfunny and a bad writer.

Shorter concept is inspired by Busy Busy Busy, who in turn was inspired by Daniel Davies at D-Squared Digest.