Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Droopy Dog Watch

This article came out a few days ago, and I know I've been reluctant to give it the treatment it deserves. I've procrastinated because everytime I try to read the damn thing I go into a sugar induced coma. Mauldlin scmaltz.

But I forge on...

First up, Peter is this week's guest judge on America's Next Top [of the batting order] Model. And he has nothing but good things to say:

Juan Pierre: "Infectious smile"
Albert Pujols: "Serious and diligent... intelligent"
Vernon Wells: "Olympian... striking"
Joe Mauer: "Every mother's son"
Mark Prior: "Think Jim Palmer" (I'm guessing the Jockey ads...)
David Ortiz: "Humorous"

Baseball's all personality and looks these days anyway. Who cares about things like ability and stuff.

And this week Peter reintroduces us to a favorite of mine, his Chinese baseball analyst, Schezuan Scout. You know, the guy he goes to when he needs a quote. As in "Ken Griffey's nuts hang below his knees, says one scout." Schezuan is always there to say nice things about players Peter has decided are good people. This time it's rookie prospects for Schezuan to praise:

Brandon McCarthy: "Best young pitcher" I guess he hasn't seen Santana, Harden, Perez, Eaton, Bonderman, etc.
Gavin Floyd: "Haven't seen better stuff" Schezuan, you just talked about Brandon McCarthy. At least separate your superlatives so we might forget.
Hanley Ramirez: "Would be the first pick in the draft" Schezuan has the ancient Chinese powers of "20/20 Hindsight". Next thing you know he'll be saying Tom Brady "would be drafted higher than the 6th round"
Huston Street: "By midseason a major factor" Might be true, but only because the A's won't have much to play for and they'll trade all their other relievers.
Paul McAnaulty: "He's John Kruk, or Matt Stairs" OK, that wasn't Schezuan. It was Kevin Towers. But is that a compliment? I'd be like, dude... Boss just called you a fatass.

Some other random Gammons bloviatings:

2) Jason Kendall Hearts Oakland Pitchers
3) The Harden Hardon continues, and this time Schezuan gets in the mix.
4) Shawn Chacon to the Rangers!!! THE HORROR!!! LEAVE US ALONE, RUMOR!!!

And finally, Gammons psychoanaylzes Jason Giambi:

In his time in New York, Giambi has struggled because he wanted everyone to like him. Now, after being betrayed in his grand jury BALCO testimony and being publicly savaged, he's hardened. "I guess I'm at the point where I don't trust anyone," he says. "And I never thought I'd be that way"

So, in other words: It used to be "They like me, but I want 'em to love me like they loved Pac" but now "If you don't give a damn, we don't give a fuck."