Saturday, March 05, 2005

Intern the Dragon

I'm starting to think that Bill Simmons set up this intern contest as a way to make himself look good in comparison to an amateur knockoff. As they write more, they look worse.

And now, I present to you THE GAYEST THING EACH PERSON WROTE...

Bank: Seriously calls Tom Brady "dreamy" and "totally sweet". This guy makes me hate Boston fans. No, wait. Simmons has been making me hate Boston fans for a few months now. Especially with his unnecessary jabs at the ATL. This guy is a consummate suck up.

Bell: Describes his admiration for Ellis Burks in the form of penis envy. His previous entries have been much much gayer.

Cott: If this supposed UGA grad fellates Kenny Anderson one more time, I'm writing the Alumni Association to have him expelled. This is unacceptable. As much as a Southern influence is needed on Page 2, I don't see this guy winning.

Levine: OK, the Farrah Fawcett poster guys hung up because she was hot. Rich here considers a shirtless Bo Jackson the same thing? Kind of a gimmicky dude.

Luckham: The "STATE SCHOOL" chant is about as gay as it gets, but at least he realizes it a little. Talking about Tony Gwynn's balls is gross. I think he's top 5.

MacDonald: The DB Sweeney thing is a little gay, but what's interesting about it is that she was surprised he wrote her back. She said she wrote him her sophomore year, probably two years ago. What did she expect? DB Sweeney would be too busy on a press junket for one of his blockbusters? She might be the best of the women, but I don't think very highly of her.

Silva: Admitting to the Shannon Miller stuff at age 16 (she asked us to do the math, and I obliged). Seriously, she can't think this story helped her. Simmons was a fool for letting her back into the competition. If anyone, it should've been Mason.

Spitzer: Is "Dodger? Yeah right!" supposed to be a joke? Even Paul F. Tompkins isn't that lazy. The We Didn't Start The Fire bit was tired when I was in the eighth grade. At least he's not a huge Boston suckup.

Williams: While inspiring, the Jack Trice story is more suitable for Rick Reilly's intern contest (which I assure you I would not blog). This entry is pretty good. He moves into the upper echelon.

"Renee": So obvious. "I'm coming out of the closet... I'm a beaver loving..." I don't think she's got much of a chance.

Wainscott: He's out of alphabetical order, and I hope he wasn't the last one in. Gayest comment has to be about Pete Rose's haircut because there's not enough sarcasm. Still the favorite if you ask me.

Brill: Bland entry. It takes a lot to make Lebowski sound lame.
DeMarco: How many people chose the Van Gundy fight?
Treff: Should've been cut before now. This entry doesn't have a single laugh.
Busch: Torn on him. I wish there was more of a college football influence, but he's not that good. Diddly Poo should've been in several entries.
Lorenz: I've said enough about her.
McManus: Let him back in just in time to cut him. Nice one, Bill. Not a great entry.
Gamelin: Just like McManus. Forgettable entry.

So in sum, my favorites all advanced, and nobody has really separated himself too much from the pack. I'd say Wainscott, Luckham and Williams are the top 3 right now. Unfortunately, this round seemed like a test on regurgitating old Simmons articles.