Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Ask Lord Douchebag

One of the things I hate about sports columnists online is the way almost all of them use a mailbag to write one of their columns. It goes beyond laziness. Even worse is the way columnists bitch about the questions they get from the masses. If someone is doing all of your work, don't mock him, asshat. And worst of all is the way some columnists not only mock their correspondents, but don't answer the question either. Twat. And yet, I cannot help but read all of them. As ever, I'm dumb as a bag of balloons.

Anyway, I now propose to begin my running column, Ask Lord Douchebag. Remit any questions on any topics to lord.douchebag@gmail.com. And if I don't get any questions, I'll just make up something and add my own shitty responses.

Like now:

Dear Lord Douchebag: Why is Tony LaRussa such a turd? - Reggie Taint, Atlanta

A bitch is a bitch, Reggie. Might be the fact that he's choked in World Series more than any other recipient of a George Will BJ. Maybe remorse over how he pissed away the years when his players were able to juice the fuck out of their arms. Maybe he's just pissed that his mullet back in the early 90s never matched that of Eckersley's. Maybe because his transitions lenses never quite get dark enough during the day, never clear enough at night. Anyway, he can eat a dick.

Dear Lord Douchebag: How is the upcoming British election going to pan out? - Nigel Browneye, Woodstock

Well, Nigel, Labor holds government, but loses ground to everyone else. Biggest percentage-wise gains for Plaid Cymru and SNP. Tories do not make up any ground and they'll rue this missed opportunity for years. Charles Kennedy is hilarious looking. And no, I'm not a member of the House of Lords. My family sold our seat to Rhode Island as a Dirty Borough way back when. And that's why people from Rhode Island are all Douchebags.

Dear Lord Douchebag: How freaking hilarious was the Daily Show's bit on Laura Bush's jokes the other night? - Belinda Areola, Buchanan

Piss yourself funny. Horse cock jokes always work though.

Dear Lord Douchebag: Do you feel like an idiot for putting so many eggs in Jim Thome's basket for your fantasy baseball team? - Randy Dingleberry, Arcade

No. I always feel like an idiot. Jim Thome's steroid suspension begins tonight!

Dear Lord Douchebag: Wazzup DUUDEE!!! Why don't you give my Texas Tech Red Raiders some credit, DOGGGGG!! Throwing the ball is teh raddddd. - Roy Dipshit, Lubbock

Hey, you're right! That's a solid sleeper pick for the Big 12 south! Oh wait, I'm supposed to be annoyed by these kinds of emails. Screw you and the horse you rode in on, with its enormous cock. I won't make any pronouncements about football, or your team ON PRINCIPAL, assface.

And with that, we're off and running. Feel free to submit your questions, which I probably won't answer. I will, however, rename you after words that a 12 year old would laugh at.