Cousin Eddie's Daughter Hruby Sue

Another bullshit article from ESPN.com Page 2's resident mouthbreather, Patrick Hruby. Well, I guess there are lots of mouthbreathers on salary there who contributed to the steaming pile that is this. The subject: stupid sports rules.

I didn't get very far into this, because RULE #1 is the most hackneyed, ignorant, moronic drivel ever written on ESPN.com, and reprinted annually just in time for the MLS All Star Game.

They write:

Offsides in Soccer: Soccer has never caught on in the United States. Why is that? Could it be the almost complete lack of, um... scoring? Forget offsides; everything short of pantsing the defender should be allowed on the way to the net.
In fact, pantsing should be allowed, too.

This annoys me to no end. Why stop at the offside rule? Why not get rid of the keeper? That'd increase scoring. And then let strikers use their hands. And run with the ball. And throw the ball into the net. Why not?

Obviously whoever wrote this part has no interest in soccer but wants to act like he does to other people who have no interest in soccer. This is so national media. Look. Some people like soccer. Some don't. It's growing fast as shit as is. There's no need to package the sport into something so it's more palatable to Americans. This is the one sport where what the American marketplace wants doesn't mean a damn thing.

Let me use a few comparisons to show how idiotic the idea is, on the merits.

People love scoring. In baseball, I'd get so mad when Smoltz would throw a 2 hit shutout against Clemens and the Braves would win 1-0. Boring as hell. We need more offense. It's time to lower the mound, move in the walls, add the DH to both leagues, remove one of the defensive fielders, give 4 strikes for an out, and make curveballs illegal.

Everytime I watch the NBA All Star Game, and I see players get 5 steps between dribbles and 4 of 5 guys don't even cross halfcourt to play defense, I think... man, every game should look like this. Defensive stops are so overrated, and why encourage set offensive plays by giving defensive flexibility. Instead, they should encourage 95 missed alley-oops each game.

And don't get me started on the NFL. A Steelers-Ravens 14-10 struggle with 3 goal line stands puts me in a coma. What the NFL needs is to be more like the Arena league. Scores under 70 are an embarrassment. The NFL therefore needs to make cornerbacks nonexistent. 11 on 9.

Soccer is soccer. If you don't like it, watch something else. Sure, a 0-0 draw can be a snooze fest. But it can also be incredibly exciting. Just depends on the action in the game. Scoring alone doesn't make a game interesting. Ask June Jones.

Soccer needs to develop in the US in the form that has made it the most popular game in the world. I'm sick of idiot sportswriters who don't know shit from shinola about soccer telling the readers what they're supposed to think of the game. Instead of trying to fit the round ball into a square hole, by imposing American style playoffs, free agency and draft structures, etc., soccer in America should embrace the things that make it so great in the rest of the world. MLS isn't ready yet, but someday there should be relegation. Individual clubs should use cash transfers. And the championship and cups should be totally separate, including no postseason playoffs. Make soccer different, that's how it'll make it's mark here. Not by making it the same as everything else.