Sunday, March 26, 2006

I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast

Like probably most people, my first exposure to the intrigue of competitive eating was not seeing Kobayashi destroy 53.5 Nathans Famous Hotdogs on July 4th, 2004. Instead, my introduction was in the form of the friendly wager common to the day-after-Keystone Ice Tallboys-binge couch to couch conversation: "I bet you can't eat _____."

The first time I actually took the challenge, it happened to be "I bet you can't eat the entire Wendy's 99-cent Value Menu in one hour." What the challenger didn't know is that I was probably averaging 10+ Wendy's meals per week at the time. Needless to say, I succeeded, but it was not without gagging on every french fry that I was trying to get down by dipping them in the Frosty - my last two items of the 11 options then on the menu. The best part about the challenge was that a party seemed to develop at my house with no one other than the challenger and me privy to the competition. So when a friend of mine came in and saw me steadily devouring a Caesar Side Salad, he asked, "On a diet?" Yeah, something like that. The only advice I can give to the aspiring eater is that the obvious combinations should be used: Chili in the Potato, Fries in the Frosty.

The Wendy's Super Value Menu Challenge:
Jr. BBQ Cheeseburger
5 Piece Crispy Chicken Nuggets
Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger
Jr. Cheeseburger Deluxe
Medium French Fries
Small Coke
Small Frosty
Small Chili
Sour Cream and Chives Potato
Side Salad
Caesar Side Salad
Yogurt with Granola (new to the Menu)

My second foray into the competitive eating arena was a friendly challenge: "I bet you can't eat 10 Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers in an hour." Surprising to say, I was unsuccessful. I'm not one to make excuses, but a little something I call the Mayonnaise Bonanza threw me off course. I conquered 7 of them in the first 3o minutes, but the eigth exploded with a Steven Tyler's mouth-sized burst of warm, straight-from-the-five-gallon-vat mayonnaise. I put that one to the side, and only managed to stomach one other during the remaining 30 minutes for a measly total of 8.25. I was devastated, but not discouraged.

The excitement of these friendly challenges, in my humble opinion, far exceeds those of the organized competitive eating events - save the Krystal Square Off - due to the ability to conceive the amount of food consumed. So I guess the analogy I'm going for is to golf - watching is fun, and those guys truly are good, but it's still more fun to play it.

Here are a few suggestions to pass a rainy day watching your friend throw up - with how he'll feel (scale of one to ten) denoted to the right:

Goldilocks and the 3 Bears (2 - a kick to the grundle)
Whopper Jr.
Double Whopper
Onion Rings

The Triple Play (6 - the day after a bachelor party)
3 Classic Triples

Hitting for the Cycle (7 - a Georgia Theater hangover)
Classic Single
Classic Double
Classic Triple
Home Run - An extra "Single" patty on the Triple, with a Small Frosty on top for good measure

What'll Ya Not Have? (8 - Auburn-Georgia 2005)
Eat the entire hot dog/hamburger/sandwich/lite menu/chicken category at the Varsity, minus one category item of your choice (this is obviously in addition to the FO, PC, and Fried Pie you have to get when you go there).