Wednesday, September 27, 2006

All The Shittiest Music You Never Want To Hear - ALL IN ONE PLACE!!!!

Clay Aiken has a new album out and it's all covers. Covers of hilariously, ridiculously, audaciously awful orthodontist chair music. A Track by Track review based on cursory 30 second clips.

1) Right Here Waiting: What could be a better way to start things off than a Richard Marx stalker song? Clay's speeds things up, but still maintains the aura of that "creepy dude who is always standing at the window with a slightly sweaty look on his face as you walk by". Interestingly enough, in the battle of hairstyles between the original Marx and the current Aiken, the ultramullet is actually the less frightening of the two. He should've done "Don't Mean Nuthin" and then stabbed himself.

2) Lonely No More: This is one of the few non-covers on the album. But I swear I've heard it before. Oh, yeah. That's because it's as boring and pathetic as anything else he's done.

3) Without You: The Badfinger/Harry Nillson song that formed the backdrop for countless awkward evenings for 1970s longing misfits. Clay puts his touch on it too. Of course that touch is a velvet glove, gripping a studded dildo. Let the record show that we're three songs in, and two of them already give the vibe of an awkward, possibly gay teenage misfit who just swears you'll get him if you just give him a chance! I WON'T BE IGNORED!

4) Every Time You Go Away: Paul Young sang it, but Darryl Hall wrote it. Clay sings it a little happier than the original. I hear it simply as spin. The "piece" we take from him surely is herpes, or maybe Hep-C.

5) Sorry Seems to Be The Hardest Word To Say: An Elton John number. And another unrequited love song. "What've I got to do to be heard?" He should've called this album "The Restraining Order".

6) When I See You Smile: Bad English. Whoa! I feel kind of stupid for just realizing that the lead singer of Bad English also sang "Missing You". Wait. No, I do not feel stupid. I feel proud of myself for replacing that kind of knowledge with something not about terrible music. Clay's version is appropriately horrendous. Isn't this song about a father looking at his child? Clay, I just don't but the fatherhood vibe. Unless it's a father figure to a twink thing.

7) A Thousand Days: I think this is a new one, because I've never heard it before. Another song that suggests a stalker. Also suggests slamming my penis in a car door.

8) Everything I Do (I do for you): The song that signifies Bryan Adams's complete emasculation. Mandolins and synthesized celtic flutes evoke the same sort of touch Kevin Costner showed in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves - hack, lame, out of place, terrible. This track makes my ears hurt.

9) Because You Loved Me: Good God. I'm quite positive that a stiff earfucking from Big John Studd would be more pleasant than listening to Clay's cover of this Celine Dion bedpan. I imagine this version will be played at the announcement for countless "Teacher of the Year" awards. This song makes me want to go to a suburban Wal-Mart and kick overweight women in the vaginas.

10) I Want To Know What Love Is: Foreigner's shittiest song. And Clay makes it worse. Where's Carl to show this fruit how to rock?

Wait a second... is that from the '83 tour? Yeah, I saw dose guise in da Meadowlands wit Bryan Adams, dat was a kickass show! I totally copped dis feel off dis passed out broad while dey were playin' Urgent. Everytime I hear Urgent on the radio I thinka dat girls boobs and uhhh... covered in vomit.

11) These Open Arms: Another new one. Co-written by Jon Bon Jovi. The worst thing JoBoJo has done since Moonlight and Valentino. Clay makes it worse. This song is the musical equivalent of a terrible Arena Football team's uniforms. Errrr...

I can't believe MJ from the Real World gave up this cash cow for scale on "The Gauntlet II"

12) Here You Come Again: A Dolly Parton song that totally ruled back in the day. Clay takes all the bubbliness, fun, enjoyment and wraps it up in a big shit sandwich. Yes, I know, that's just nitpicking. Nonetheless, Clay's song here encourages me to (a) kill myself and (b) blame his music in the suicide note.

13) Everything I Have: An original, and originally awful. This song might work on a really bad animated movie. No, wait, it wouldn't. Another piece of shit. A song that makes testicular piercing seem like a welcome change.

14) Broken Wings: Mister Mister's 80s hit ate a dick, so appropriately Clay swallows it to close the album. A song that inspires me to listen to static and children screaming. And some kind of spoken word? I think I'll go and rub some of my dog's feces in my ears to wash them out.

Remind me never to write something like this again.