1. Leatherheads. I fell asleep. What was attempted was not as entertaining as what resulted. You're Fired.
2. Eagle Eye. I did not fall asleep, but this sucked. SPOILER ALERT: They steal the ending from the Simpsons episode where Homer remakes Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. And it is so ridiculous. You're Fired.
3. Ghost Town. They don't make many comedies like this - not exactly a romcom, not a grossout - which end up kind of funny and sweet, but not that good either. Gervais is a genius, but he's too restrained here. And Tea Leoni is only in mediocre or worse movies (and usually that's not her fault). A decent try for an adult comedy, but still blah. You're Fired.
4. Fred Claus. The worst Christmas movie I have ever seen, and I've seen Prancer and Santa Claus: The Movie and Toys and Jingle All the Way and some other pieces of shit. Totally useless. Paul Giamatti, Miranda Richardson, Elizabeth Banks and Rachel Weisz should all be ashamed of themselves. You're Fired.
5. WALL-E. I feel like I'm alone in thinking this way, but I sensed that this was (a) the least funny Pixar film and (b) the most preachy Pixar film. And I'm not insensitive to what it was preaching about, and I thought Cars was not good. There's cuteness but I didn't really want to see it again - and I can't say that about any other Pixar film except Cars. I feel bad about myself for not liking this more. You're Fired.
6. The House Bunny. Throwaway. Anna Faris is funnier than anything that has ever been written for her, but that also does not mean she's all that great. I'm struggling to remember anything about this. It had a few "oh wait, is that [girl from American Idol/girl from Superbad/Bruce Willis' daughter]?" moments. You're Fired.
7. Mamma Mia!. Jesus. You're Fired.
8. Mongol. Gorgeously shot and consistently interesting. Made me want to see a sequel and learn more about Genghis Khan. See this. Cadillac.
9. Death Race. Statham! Say it while you're fucking! Shockingly entertaining. Of course it's objectively terrible, yet rewatchable and absolutely awesome. My math says Steak Knives.
10. Hamlet 2. I like Coogan, but I was bored. The movie thinks it's more clever than it is. Maybe I would've liked it better if I had been into drama in high school or something. For a movie that seeks its humor from the ridiculous, this wasn't ridiculous enough. You're Fired.
11. Appaloosa. The first hour or so is awesome, but it falls apart in the last half hour or so. Women screw everything up, especially Renee Zellweger (whom I had no idea was in this movie) apparently. As long as Ed Harris and Viggo are killing people, this rules. When they start building houses and feelings start to matter, this has problems. Steak Knives.
12. Pineapple Express. A matter of expectations. I expected funnier, or maybe I expected Franco to be as good as he was. Just not surprised by anything. I was entertained though. Steak Knives.
13. Bangkok Dangerous (2008). Horribly horribly and hilariously incredible. Come for Nic Cage's outrageous forehead, stay for the ridiculousness. Between this and The Protector, Thailand has become the go-to nation for comedy. If only we could get Statham in one of those Thai movies... Steak Knives (yep!).
14. Max Payne. Ugh. Wahlberg has no sense of humor at all. Awful. You're Fired.
15. Man on Wire. An entertaining and inspiring dude, and a well made film. Recommended. Sharp Steak Knives.
16. Slumdog Millionaire. OK, I feel strongly about this movie. If you left this film not entertained, you are a prig and I don't want to hang out with you. It was suspenseful, funny, romantic, interesting, timeless, universal, and most importantly, just a good movie. It was about goodness and humanity. Political posturing about this is dickish. Cadillac.
17. Encounters at the End of the World. Watch Planet Earth instead if you want to see awesome footage of nature. Watch this if you want to be underentertained about not-as-interesting-as-presented people. Maybe I'm not a Herzog guy. You're Fired.
18. Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Only a guy like Woody Allen could get this movie made. It's not really about much of anything. It's kind of entertaining - the acting is quite good and everyone and everything looks pretty. It's also not really memorable. It'll make you smile a bit, but then forget it. You're Fired.
19. The Visitor. It's OK, I suppose, but I get the sense that critics like simple movies that don't screw things up more than complicated movies that make a few mistakes but also challenge. I wasn't bored, but I didn't learn anything either. I'll forget I've seen this, even though it's not bad. You're Fired.
20. The Diplomat. The NY Times TV critic that praised this enough for me to watch it owes me 3 hours. They took a 2 hour movie screenplay and made it shittily so it stretched. Massive plot holes. Deus Ex Machina througout. Someone teaching a class on screenwriting should use this as a "DO NOT DO THIS" lecture. But I did learn that my cable company carries something called "ION TV," so it wasn't a total loss. You're Fired, and that means you, NYT critic.
21. Zack and Miri Make a Porno. Like Kevin Smith's good movies, it's really dirty (moreso than even I expected), but also pretty sweet. I don't mind the filth if there's a reason. Elizabeth Banks is funny - really funny. Steak Knives.
22. The Rocker. Blah. Not exactly the Dwight Schrute thing, but not exactly funny. Forgettable, and I just saw it. You're Fired.
23. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Gorgeously shot, and the first hour or so is great (especially the tugboat/submarine scene). But the last hour (I'm not kidding) is just Ralph Lauren-esque photo shoots of Brad Pitt looking good. And the Katrina-era flash forwards did not add to the film. Cutting this up more would've helped. If it matters, The Lady liked this a good deal more than I did. Perhaps I'm nitpicking... I did like a lot of it, but I just have these nagging concerns I can't seem to get rid of and that seem to make me like this less and less. Still, worth seeing. Steak Knives.