Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Droopy Dog Watch

I'm not the biggest fan of Gammons. I think he uses his column to carry water for people too transparently, and that's how he gets his "unparalleled sources." I also think he throws in these value judgments that a) I don't care about and b) too often subsequently affect the coverage of the players. In today's column he:

1. Assures us that Adam Dunn, Miguel Cabrera, Dallas McPherson, Mark Teixiera and Ken Griffey, Jr. are not using steroids. (Unless he's seen them piss, I don't think he can say that).

2. States Canseco worked "as hard... as a manhole cover." Uhh, something tells me that if he didn't work hard, he'd be bouncing at bars. 462 homers doesn't come without some work (and yes, I think he's pretty slimy).

3. Hints that the Archangels Fay and Bart might've done something about steroids, but Bumbling Bud blew it, after he just hinted that Bud didn't know (more on that in a second).

4. Tells us that Milton Bradley's "heart's always in the right place." Save that line for Bradley's impending meltdown and Gammons' sanctimonious shock in mid-July.

5. Bombasts away on Joe Mauer. "[A]rguably [the A.L.'s] best young player, and person." Don't even know where to start with this. I'm sure he's very nice and all, but why don't we wait for a couple miracles to canonize him.

6. Psychoanalyzes Nomar. Nothing new there. Suggests that "Beautiful" barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen might bring his swing (and nuts) back. [Maybe I'm reading too much, but he brought it up.]

7. Makes the following predictions [will happen, not might happen](save for posterity):
A) One of the first four players listed in (1) will be the next 50 HR hitter;
B) Beltran and Pedro will be fun. Didn't he say the same about Mo V. in NYC?;
C) Nomar's health will ensure a major comeback;
D) Adam LaRoche will win gold gloves.

8. Makes the following "can" or "if...then" predictions:
A) The Brewers can get to 75-80 wins;
B) If Burnett and Beckett get 35-40 wins, the Marlins are the team to beat;
C) Harden has arguably the best stuff in the AL;
D) Austin Kearns can be a monster (unsure if he's talking about his bat or temperament);
E) If Halladay is back, the Jays are over .500;
F) If Magglio can hit he'll "wear out the Comerica Alleys and protect Pudge." Protect Pudge from Jose Canseco? I sometimes can't tell if Droopy's slipped back into talking about baseball;
G) If the Cards pitchers... uhh... pitch, they'll make another run. Bold.
H) If "left alone" (whatever that means), Chase Utley will hit 25 HRs.
I) Arroyo might win 16-18 games.

In re Selig (and the President), Gammons laughs off the suggestion that they knew about steroids. Look for the dodge tomorrow after the Daily News story. I don't think the President knew (he's not exactly the kind of guy who seeks out bad news...). Selig clearly knew something, and did nothing. And wasn't there a major labor negotiation going on around oh, 10 years ago, when the FBI supposedly told MLB about steroids? This will get worse for Selig.