Sunday, April 03, 2005

Droopy on TV

The perfect storm of annoyance came on Sunday's SportsCenter. A Gammons bit that featured special effects from a 9th grade media productions class, hilarious predictions, awkward diction and some of the shittiest acting the earth has ever seen. Gammons plays 3 bar regulars and a bartender who chat about the upcoming season. The bartender has a ridiculously forced Boston accent that makes Jimmy Fallon of Saugerties, NY look like a Kennedy. "What big name player's gawwnna get cawwwwt, Barry Bawwwwnds?"

His predictions in green, my comments follow.

No big name is getting caught because the tests aren't independent. Well, I don't think any big name is getting caught, but it's not because the tests aren't independent. Some mediocre player's going under the bus at some point this year, but baseball will protect its stars.

"Most Impactful Acquisition" is Beltran. Pet peeve of the use of the word "impact". I think a writer like Gammons should be able to use the word effect. "Most impactful" should only be used to describe wisdom teeth and meteorites. How about "most important" or "biggest effect" (I might let impact in here), but not most impactful. Oh yeah, on substance, I think either Tim Hudson or Armando Benitez will have the biggest effect. Hudson because of the Braves' ability to have 2 studs pitch twice in a playoff series. Benitez because the Giants' bullpen blew ass last year. If Benitez is as good has he was last year, they'll win the west. If not, they'll finish behind LA and SD. I'd also give a mention to the two Mariners free agents.

Young player with biggest impact is Mauer. Shocking pick. That said, I don't think Mauer's going to leg out any doubles with Pedro attached to his dick. I'd pick Khalil Greene.

Old "cawwwdger" with the biggest impact is the Big Unit. Sure, I guess. Born before Woodstock is his rule. I'd add Smoltz or Gary Sheffield.

Yankees - Red Sox won't be as big a rivalry. Peter, did ya' get the memo? We're putting cover sheets on the TPS reports now that say the Red Sox and Yankees are THE ONLY TWO TEAMS promoted or discussed by ESPN. Are you not live at Yankee stadium today? Were there not already 4 long segments in this very SportsCenter based solely on the rivalry? When you have spent the last decade pushing the rivalry, and continue to do so, you can't really say this.

Cy Youngs: Pedro Martinez and the Unit. I guess Peter's talking about the '99 season. I'd say Santana and either Schmidt or Sheets (with Hudson close). Peter gives a nod to Rich Harden at the end too, so the Harden Hardon continues.

ROY: Jeremy Reed and JJ Hardy. Whatever. This one did give Peter a chance to say "Bet you've never even heard of him" and have Peter respond with "sure haven't, but that's why I've got you". Reminds me of that email picture like 6 years ago of the guy blowing himself in front of a computer.

MVP: Nomar and David Ortiz. Now that's the Peter we know and love. When Nomar retires, I can't wait for the "Thanks, Beautiful" on Baseball Tonight. My picks are Jim Thome and Ichiro (who I still think should've gotten some votes last year).

Playoffs: Twins over Sox, Yankees and Angels. Cubs over Braves and Cardinals (he didn't pick the NL West). Twins over Cubs in WS. The bartender Peter doesn't like that pick. Neither do I. I'll take the Braves over the Cardinals, Phillies and Padres; Yankees over Angels, Twins and Mariners. (Yeah, I've switched my pick from Giants to Padres b/c of Bonds' injury). Braves over Yankees in a 1-0 7th game between Smoltz and Unit that solidifies Smoltz' place in Cooperstown.

The only redeeming thing from the entire bit was the forced laughter from Karl Ravech and Harold Reynolds. I almost gained respect for John Kruk because he kept it real.

The afterbriefing with Peter lined up his goal for the season: spend the summer fluffing young players. Meatswell for Harden and Mauer!!!