Saturday, April 23, 2005

Hour 1 - Draft

12:03: Berman's tie isn't making me want to throw up. Something doesn't feel right...

12:04: Alex Smith's highlight package has a clear-out QB draw from the shotgun where he doesn't get touched for 10 yards right up the middle. I'll make the statement: He will never make a play like that in the NFL. I'm not sold on Smith. MWC defenses blow.

12:07: First views of players' clothes. Ronnie Brown and Alex Smith go with the metro-pink oxford, but a standard suit and tie. Cedric Benson looks like an accountant. Aaron Rodgers has a soul patch, which should drop him at least 5 spots alone.

12:10: Are we to consider the players chattel, since ESPN keeps placing them at the NYSE?

12:11: I'm no gamer, but that Madden commercial looks better in every single way than CBS' NFL coverage.

12:12: Tags opens the festivities with: "Hello single losers who think jerseys and goatees are cool and Hooters is a nice restaurant. We are proud to offer you a few hours of entertainment to help you forget that none of you have ever gotten laid."

12:14: Alex Smith to Suzy Kolber: "I wanna kiss you. Yeaaaaaahh!!!"

12:17: Now's as good a time as any (already on the second commercial and there hasn't been a pick yet) to discuss Kiper. He's an easy target because of the hair and because focusing on the draft intrinsically connects you to those loser Jets fans in the crowd. However, he does know his stuff. I liken him to the college professor who's devoted his or her life to some esoteric minute detail. The thing that bothers me most is how people know he's sharp, so we won't see any Trev Alberts/Jim Irsay blowups, unfortunately.

12:22: Berman's mentioned a few times today that Rodgers "didn't get worse this week." Well, maybe he did, depending on what his agent is telling teams.

12:24: Still no pick.

12:25: Tom Condon has kind of a mullett.

12:26: First pick: Smith. The large black dude who gave him the shirt offered the handshake, but Al comes correct with the hug.

12:29: Suzy's working the Katie Couric flirterview. Alex is so hitting it in the green room.

12:30: Pete Coors seems like a douche to me. Does he really expect us to think Coors Breweries don't have smokestacks? I guess the magical mountain fairies brew the watered down forgettable shit. They should stick to exploitation and D-list celebrities, not trust-fund wannabes who couldn't win a gimme election on the coattails of the President. Loser.

12:34: Braylon's texting Snoop about fabric softener. Everybody needs a sidekick.

12:35: Hank Goldberg looks apoplectic and nervous. Bad week at the ponies, Hank?

12:37: Zoom Zoom Zoom can eat my Dick Dick Dick.

12:38: Get the new Mesh Draft Day Hat! So you can look like a dipshit too! And women won't want to talk to you! At NFL.Com!

12:39: Miami: Ronnie Brown. Solid pick. He's the real deal. Cleveland will have some trade options with Edwards on the board.

12:48: First visit to Weird Hair Andrea Kremer's round table. Rodney Harrison is wearing a lot of makeup. I wonder if these are taped earlier. They always seem to be talking about stories that aren't affected by draft-day ongoings.

12:51: Braylon still on the sidekick. I hope he takes it up to Tags.

12:53: Kiper probably burns 40,000 calories swinging his hands around as he talks.

12:54: Cleveland: Edwards. I'm thoroughly annoyed by that stock exchange bell. Looks like he put the sidekick down. Damn. I'm pretty sure I caught a "Now get the hell off my stage" on Tags' lips.

12:57: There are a million members of Edwards' crew on stage now. Tags is fuming. I hope they print family reunion t-shirts.

12:59: First hour is up and we're through 3 freaking picks. I'm definitely wasting the day.

Back in an hour...