Saturday, April 23, 2005

Hour 5 (Kill me now) - Draft Diary

4:03: The draft itself is not interesting right now. The commercials are repetitive. Kiper is tentative. Kremer doesn't know anything. Torry Holt is the star of the Torry Holt show. Boomer occasionally looks like he doesn't know if he's on camera or not. The producers haven't shown the losers in the building once (the best part of watching the draft). The highlight so far is... I got nothing.

4:08: Ed Werder's mustache (best in the biz) tells us that the Cowboys tried to trade up several times to draft the guy that now fell to them. Yeah. Likely story. Self fluffery. They draft Marcus Spears. Very good pick. He's a stud.

4:10: Finally a shot of some losers in the crowd. The roundup: 5 dudes, 5 jerseys, 5 spare tire guts, 2 goatees and one mustache. Shame that this is the first shot, but that's what you get when the Jets, Giants and Eagles don't have early picks.

4:13: Boomer enlightens us with more inside scoop from Mukhesh the cabdriver. This time he's talking about the Bills and JP Losman.

4:15: Is that Billy Crudup in the Mastercard gas station commercial? The Lady says so, but I don't know. He doesn't seem commercial enough to do that.

4:16: Jags make a sneaky move and take Matt Jones. WHO? Matt Jones. WHO? Matt Jones. WHO? Matt Jones. Still Tippin' with a sub 4.4. OK, nobody's getting those jokes. While Mort and the boys talk about how great an athlete he is, let me throw in a personal anecdote. I saw him play basketball against Georgia a couple of years ago. It was one of his first games of the season (he came in mid-season because of football). He gets fouled and lines up for his first FTs of the year. Two shots. First shot falls about 3 feet short of the rim. My Dad turns to me and says that that was THE SINGLE WORST FREE THROW HE'D EVER SEEN IN 50 YEARS OF WATCHING BASKETBALL. Second shot banks so hard off the backboard that there's a battle for the ball between the guards who weren't even lined up. It banked so hard, it looked like a buzzer beater gone awry. The Jircuzzi erupted with laughter for like 5 minutes, including the Arkansas bench. I think there was a jump ball or something in the scrum going for the ball. Jones came out of the game, to great applause.

4:25: Ravens take Mark Clayton. Good pick. Kind of hoped he'd slip to the Falcons.

4:27: Torry Hearts Mark Clayton.

4:28: The Raiders trade up. Boomer, who hasn't mentioned Aaron Rodgers in a while, hints that it might be a QB.

4:32: Raiders take Fabian Washington. Boomer sounds disappointed.

4:34: Boomer now really pushing Rodgers with the Packers on the board. Suzy's back for the first time in a while. I guess defensive linemen just don't have the heartwrenching stories of overcoming odds that earlier picks had.

4:43: Boomer is yelling "PICK HIM! PICK HIM!". He's lost his mind. Packers do pick Aaron Rodgers. A few shots of Cheeseheads in the audience. They seem to like the pick, which is the opposite of their purpose for being there.

4:46: I cannot understand why it takes so long between picks. ESPN just spent 10 minutes on Aaron Rodgers in a way that if the metaphor were real, he would've popped in 4. If it was such an obvious pick, just make the damn pick. And now the Skins will sit for the full 15. Nobody gives a shit about trading up this far into the draft. Just pick, already.

4:49: Suzy finally gets her mitts on Rodgers. I repeat my earlier take that Rodgers' suffering by waiting only pales in comparison to our misery in having to look at that pathetic soul patch.

4:51: 8 of the first 21 picks are from SEC schools, and all the colege football know-it-alls railed about how the SEC was down last year. Eat a dick, Mark May.

4:55: The terrible Rain-X commercial with the crazy "Mother Nature" bashing the car... Is this an example of a metaphor eating itself? Mother Nature hits the car over the head, the metaphor is so obvious it hits the viewer over the head, and they replay it over and over again. Yeah, this draft is so boring I'm starting to hate myself and what I'm writing too.

4:58: Redskins take Jason Campbell. He's a bust waiting to happen. I ain't skeerd to say it.

4:59: I'm going to keep going for the next two picks instead of a new post. Once the Falcons draft, I'm gone. If nothing else, I believe I have gotten the "hey, I'd like to watch some of the draft" out of me for good.

5:05: ESPN's coverage ends at 5:30. I thought I'd be done with the first round by 3:30. Now I'm starting to worry that I won't get to see the Falcons' pick. They need to cut it down to 10 minutes per pick. This is just ridiculous.

5:11: Seattle takes Chris Spencer, and the fans boo. Kiper seems to like it, but he didn't have this guy listed on his best available. The SEC is just dominating the first round this year. I always wondered why they didn't bring the College Gameday guys in, since they'd know a little about the guys getting drafted. Now I realize that if Corso and Herbstreit were here, they'd have to talk about how they licked the balls of the Big 12 and Pac 10 all last year (to the point that Auburn was shut out of the MNC game), and now how they just missed all that talent in the SEC. I guess a contract with CBS makes a great league shitty...

5:16: Come on Falcons...

5:17: Aha! ESPN U has the college viewpoint. I don't get ESPN U. Now they've crossed over and they're talking on ESPN. Dumbass Mark May's analysis? Bob Davie's odd delivery ("number one IN the COUNTRY!!!!") of obvious thoughts. Damn you Comcast for keeping me from them!

5:20: Mark May already bashing the SEC, laughing at Auburn's chances for next year. I can't wait until football season to catalogue his ridiculous pronouncements and call him on it. That guy is beyond Douche. He's an IUD.

5:23: Falcons, do you not realize how close I am to giving up? Pick already!!!

5:24: Boomer says we have a shot at the longest ever first round. Pat yourselves on the back, dicks.

5:25: Falcons take Roddy White. OK. Two years in a row with a WR in the late first. I'd rather have a DE, but I'll take it. It'll be positive.

And that's it for me. Hope you enjoyed it. I know I'd rather put my nuts in a vice grip.