Saturday, April 23, 2005

Hour 4 - Draft Diary

3:02: A little shocked that they're talking about the ATL-Charlotte rivalry. NFC South might be the conference where the teams hate each other the most.

3:04: Panthers take Thomas Davis. If they play him at OLB, that's 2 Dawgs. Mark my words. Davis will cause a serious injury on a wide receiver on a clean hit. He's a physical freak and he's not afraid to lay a huge hit. I do not like that he'll play the Falcons twice every year.

3:07: Aaron Rodgers is definitely in Jameer range. C'mon teams. Keep it up. Let's make this dude cry, and force Berman into a heartfelt monologue on his "courage" and shit.

3:11: Back to Andrea Kremer. How many errors will she make in this segment? I'm hoping she calls Trent Green "Trey" and asks him if they might draft Aaron Rodgers because of the Chiefs' weakness at QB.

3:16: And here's the monologue on courage for Rodgers. I'd forgotten about the Thurman Thomas thing (idiot). Now Mort pins the blame on the NFL ("They invited him here because they thought he'd be gone by now"). I see it too. There's this dude from the NFL with a Sig pointed at Berman telling him to keep harping on Rodgers.

3:19: Chiefs take Derrick Johnson. Freaking steal. He's a stud and might be the best defensive player in the draft.

3:30: Exciting draft! I have so much to write about! I almost posted about how women in Hummer ads are almost consistently pale skinned redheads, for the sole purpose of arousing me. They show some of Kiper's greatest hits. Laughs all around!

3:32: Texans take Travis Johnson. I debate flipping over to Figure Skating on the Deuce. Then I remember I have testicles. There's an Inferno marathon on MTV, but I've pretty much memorized those episodes. I find The Surreal Life gay. Comedy Central, despite its name, is showing a MADtv marathon. Boro is playing West Brom on Fox Soccer Channel, but Comcast took that away from me (I have no reason why I no longer get the channel). There's an NFL Europe game on. The Hamburg Sea Devils are playing the Frankfurt Galaxy. I've won bar bets on naming more World League teams than anyone believed possible. Yep, I might as well grow a goatee and an even bigger gut and start only wearing jerseys.

3:38: I will never buy anything from anyone who hires Dennis Miller for their ads. They could be selling Gold Brick boxes filled with a cream that makes your penis enormous and gives you a crack high without consequences for pennies, but if Dennis Miller is on TV saying, "I don't want to go off on a rant here, but my dong's longer than Proust's Remembrance of Things Past and I'm higher than a team of sherpas on shrooms!", I'm not buying it.

3:40: Mrs. McNabb sighting, consoling Aaron Rodgers' mom. Kenan Thompson actually does a pretty good character there, I grudgingly admit.

3:44: I'm pretty sure this will end once the Falcons pick. I was hoping to get through the first round, but this is getting painful.

3:45: Bengals take David Pollack. Without getting into it too much, this guy is the most disruptive football player I've ever seen. I could see him in that Tedy Bruschi ubiquitous media darling role. On the field, he'll be great. Boomer just marvelled at the USC interception from his sophmore year as if he'd never seen it before. The Greater NY area is such a bubble.

3:48: Pollack embarrasses himself in a promo spot at the NYSE. C'mon, dude.

3:52: Andrea actually at the "round table". This time the topic is Randy Moss. They could've filmed this months ago. Absolutely nothing new. I'm wasting so much brainpower right now. Trent Green and Jon Jansen talk shit on Randy. Vrabel defends him, but seems to talk himself into a corner. This roundtable features ludicrous logic, moronic arguments, an countless non-sequiturs. So, basically, it's slightly better than This Week and Meet the Press, and way better than anything on CNN/Fox/MSNBC.

3:55: Vikings take Erasmus James. OK pick, with regional interest too. I'm glad Pollack got drafted ahead of James.

3:59: Rams take Alex Barron. Nice pick.

And I've lost 4 hours of my life. But I press on...