Thursday, September 08, 2005

The Chapter in which our hero, LD, pretends he's Peter King

Normally, I'd give these hard pipe-hittin opinions for free, but since Sid-Bream-with-a-better-stache lookalike John Stossel told me that price gouging is good, it'll cost you big time. Give to the link above.

1) Droopy Dog dedicated an entire column to the plight of Mike Morse (guy admits taking steroids after an injury, is punished in the Minors, gets to the bigs and tests positive for alleged residue left over from 3 years ago). I think it sucks for this guy to get punished twice, and I also wonder why he couldn't find a doctor to prescribe something for the injury (story doesn't pass the BS test). However, the policy as is is meant to deter people from using steroids as a performance enhancer, as in to get people to the big leagues. Why shouldn't they punish people whose use helped them do exactly that? It's harsh, but it should be.

2) Lance Armstrong's possible return to Le Tour de France? You can't return a jacket for spite, but perhaps a yellow jersey.

3) A Scoop Jackson article about the WNBA? I tried to come up with a joke of something else I'd never want to read, but the article itself is the best punchline I could come up with.

4) Kick ass, Robby Ginepri. But Wheeler still sucks. Cocaine Bref and I pissed on you, bitch.

5) Watching the Pats/Raiders game tonight after a hard weekend of college football last weekend, I'm reminded that I need to recreate a separate compartment for watching the Pro game. I tend to take a more analytical (go ahead and laugh, motherfucker) approach to the NFL than college football. Here's why it's so different: coverage is way too serious, fans are way too serious, everything about it is way too serious. Even the entertaining things, like Randy Moss mooning and Joe Horn making a cell phone call, are all about commercializing the players. It's altogether boring, but also good football. So I just have to watch it more dispassionately. That said, the ABC coverage sucks. It's like they took the worst parts of Gameday, watered them down for mass consumption, and threw them at us. Tim McGraw is singing the highlights. Tim, you're no Bubba Sparxxxxxxxxx.

6) From Jim Donnan's Weekly Viewer's Guide in re Shitburg State vs. UGA: "However, anything can happen in this game." Like 5 INTs (4 of them on the exact same called play), snuggling with but not benching a QB who is obviously coked up and/or wagering on the game, and losing to a team whose goalposts had to be replaced the week before because of the historic upset of NEW MEXICO MOTHERFUCKING STATE. Yeah, anything can happen. I hate that my donations to the UGA Athletic Association still go to paying this mouthbreather.

7) Meanwhile, a sentient coach knows what to watch for: "Hurl insults, just don't hurl bottles and I'll be fine." Evidently he knows the weapons we bring to the stadium. Luckily, those bottles lose a lot of their mass because we wouldn't dare throw them full.

8) I was also going to write about Bill Simmons using the respect card for the Patriots for the 18 billionth time, but M. Elkon got to it first. With adorable pictures!

9) A few notes on college football blogs. (a) Heisman Pundit sounds like an accountant using tems like "wack" and "phat" when he uses the G at the end of "Straight Banging". And I'm going to add Straight Bangin' to the blogroll when I get around to it, if for no other reason than the Ed Orgeron photo. (b) In re the MGOBlog/Heismanpundit/CFR slapfight today, I see a schism in the football blog world. Some writers want to elevate the game, take the writing seriously (and though I use the plural "writers," has there been any actual proof that HP and Resource Admin are in fact different people, or is it common knowledge and I'm just late to the game?). Others want to have fun with the game and mock the stuffedshirts. It makes me want to make people know that I sit firmly on the latter side, though I'm just not funny enough for anyone to realize it. From here on out I shall make more dick and fart jokes and quote Super Troopers liberally. In fact, I'm going to call this next guy a chickenfucker.