Premiership Picks

Dear punters,

I know grouchy blue collar dudes from Leeds with plenty of hair in their ears and who smell like cheap smuggled Turkish cigarettes and fried fish have little interest in what a 28 year old Atlantan who actually cares more about college football has to say about their national game (no, not cricket, the one with the overpaid primadonnas). But in this instance you should wise up and pay attention. Put aside the fact that I clearly don't know my elbow from my asshole. Put aside the fact that I could name maybe 3 keepers in the entire premiership. Put aside the fact that I haven't even been able to watch highlights of the premiership this year since Comcast took away FSC. Suspend your belief in critical thinking and reasoned analysis and look at one thing:

Two weeks ago: 6/9 right result. 2 right scorelines.
Season so far: 20/34 right result. 6 right scorelines.

Fifty Fucking Nine percent correct. If I were choosing between 2 options, I'd be making cash hand over fist. Among three options? Are you kidding? If I had balls, I'd be making J.K. Rowling money. Without the whole exploitation of kids who don't know that the plotlines are all rehashed Saved by the Bell episodes on acid. 59%!!!!! Even I didn't realize it was going so well.

And on that note, the inevitable downfall...

Birmingham City v. Charlton Athletic: 1-2. Charlton continue on up the table.
Chelsea v. Sunderland: 4-0. Should be bigger than that. Asswhipping of the year. (and yes, I've considered going against the grain here).
Everton v. Portsmouth: 0-0. I really don't like Everton this year, though Pompey blow. Least confident of this pick.
Manchester United v. Manchester City: 1-2. Yeah, they're going to be pissed. And I laugh.
Tottenham Hotspur v. Liverpool: 1-0. First instinct pick, but upon reasoned analysis, I'd pick a draw. I do think Liverpool will be bothered more by international commitments over the last couple weeks.
West Bromwich Albion v. Wigan Athletic: 2-0. And nothing to add.
Newcastle United v. Fulham: 3-0. I'm not really crazy... I'd guess they blow up here and then go scoreless for the next 5 matches. Reason? Fulham suck and a big win here would make the Toon Army even sillier, if only for a few days.
Middlesbrough v. Arsenal: 0-2. Not my first instinct, but then I remembered that I don't think Boro're any good.
Bolton Wanderers v. Blackburn Rovers: 1-0. I think this will be an ugly game. Will the rumors about Big Sam bother them?
West Ham United v. Aston Villa: 1-0. West Ham aren't as bad as I thought. I do think Villa will go on a decent run this year sometime, though.