Monday, August 13, 2007

Very Early SEC Predictions

I originally posted this on the message board of the truly exceptional Duff fantasy baseball league (there's your shoutout, boys). I wrote it in about 5 minutes, then annotated and slightly edited it (poorly).

These predictions will most certainly come true...

  1. Florida will win an important game by an incredibly lucky play performed by a player who, the very next Monday, will be suspended for failing a drug test administered prior to said important game. CUM will deny knowledge of the results of the test and pout like my 3 month old daughter when I withhold her nightly Similac & Jack when reporters even slightly hint that the timing looks bad.

  2. South Carolina will have several teams on the ropes, but fall short in at least 3 games because of key-moment mental mistakes made by one of the 84% of USC recruits who were "special admits". Steve Spurrier will shake his head, smirk and whine about the university not admitting enough of his athletes to be able to compete.

  3. Every single good Tennessee player who spurned UGA will suffer a horrific injury that costs UT at least two games. Phil Fulmer becomes the talk of the nation with his new sideline apparel.

  4. Vanderbilt will upset at least one of the better teams in the East and will be on the verge of a bowl game, but will blow it by losing in OT to Ole Miss and screwing up an easy win against Richmond/Eastern Michigan/Miami.

  5. Kentucky will lead the league in yards per game, points per game, and will place 4 players on the All-SEC offense. And they will go 6-6.

  6. Georgia will just barely win at least one game on the last play against an opponent over whom it was favored by double digits.

  7. Auburn will lose at LSU because of multiple phantom pass interference penalties. Auburn fans will complain about it incessantly (until the week of the Alabama game, when they have bigger fish to fry). Adroit internet sleuths will identify payoffs from the Alabama Board of Trustees to particular officials. More technologically advanced Tiger fans will identify the "kerning" on a printout of a cellphone picture taken from the upper deck as undeniable proof positive that blah blah blah I stopped listening after the 40th mention of Nick Saban, the Illuminati, the Rothschild family, Jack Ruby and "Liberals who want to take away your bibles and make you marry a dude". Questions to Auburn fans about the 2006 LSU game will be met with confused, blank stares.

  8. Mississippi and Mississippi State battle to an incredible 9-hour, 12-OT 15-13 classic that disrupts ESPN2's showing of 6 different episodes of the World Series of Poker As to who won? Nobody cares, since both teams were 2-9 going into the game. Somehow Sly Croom and The Orgeron keep their jobs, but only due to a complicated plot involving Nick Saban, the Illuminati, the Rothschild family, Jack Ruby and "Liberals who want to take away your bibles and make you marry a dude." Meanwhile, Southern Mississippi finishes 12-1.

  9. LSU coach Les Miles calls Pete Carroll a "nancy boy" and says that the rest of the Pac-10 are "total homos". He follows that up with a statement that "Nick Saban wears womens' underwear and I've got the dirties in the closet in my office to prove it." When asked about schedule strength, Miles adds "they're all, y'know, fagging out and stuff... everyone in all those other conferences is scared and hiding like a frightened turtle, which also reminds me of Nick Saban's miniature schlong." The next day, when interviewed on ESPN, Miles asserts how he has the greatest respect for everyone he constantly mocks and degrades and all of the comments attributed to him were taken out of context because of the fact that he has no mental faculties whatsoever. As proof for this assertion, he goes 9-3 with the most talented team in the country.

  10. Alabama loses several games over the course of the season, but somehow pulls it all together and upsets Auburn in the final regular season game. A rash of overweight women with awful haircuts who wear bootleg jerseys getting DUIs strikes Alabama. Nick Saban threatens to leave for the Japanese National College Football team if he doesn't get unlimited refills at the Tuscaloosa Roly Poly AND unlimited free blue cheese for his wings at Bottomfeeders. "Non-negotiable. I'll do it."

  11. Arkansas, to the disbelief of sentient beings everywhere, goes 11-1 and wins the west using just the Tecmo Bowl playbook (but not using the passing plays, naturally). McFadden gains 2500 yards and scores 30 touchdowns but loses a close Heisman vote to Chad Henne of 10-2 Michigan. Chris Fowler and Kirk Herbstreit agree that it was the right decision. Nutt gets an extension the week before the SEC title game, but gets fired the week after an embarassing loss in the title game to the winner of a tiebreaker among four 8-4 teams in the East. Everyone else shakes their heads and wonders why the SEC didn't make a push for Clemson or Miami or, hell let Sewanee or Tulane back in... just pick one of them to join instead of those lunatic hillrats.


Capt D said...

Even without the Illuminati reference, this is some funny sheeot.

Capt D.