I'll strangle his ass with his own enormous old pants

So there's a five minute quasi-infomercial on Fox Soccer Channel for Bowflex featuring Jess, a teacher who used to weigh 400 pounds. He's like my favorite infomercial character ever because of this line:

"I hear about some guys losing a bunch of weight just eating sandwiches and stuff, but I don't see them on TV with no shirt on."

For real. Jared, you betta bow tha f up. Or put that weight back on a start throwing it around.