Tuesday, May 31, 2005

A Modest Proposal

I've been working on this theory for a while. Last weekend's crane fiasco reminded me to write about it.

I live in Georgia. I love this state, and I hate what it sometimes is. The problem is that because we have a large city with one of the world's largest media centers in it, we get a lot of attention, even though we still have remnants (red-nants) of the past. Idiots and lunatics in Mississippi and South Carolina don't always get the attention Georgia's get.

So here's the proposal: Banishment. That's right. It's time to bring back the time tested practice of forcing idiots to leave. Embarass the state? The good people don't want you around. Want to flaunt your ridiculous lunacies, fine, just take it somewhere else. I'm talking a state law that says if you make a fool of this state in any way, you've got to go. If you make the local news in Peoria in the "And finally tonight..." segment, Alabama's due west. State law. Banishment would be decided by the Governor and the General Assembly, delegated to the AG if the General Assembly isn't in session. If it's unconstitutional, amend the damn thing. I promise you that the banishment law would pass with flying colors. All the pro's would have to do is show the people who it would apply to:

Bobby and Whitney
Runaway Bride and Whipped/Limp
Worst Crematorium Owner Ever
Courthouse shooter
Idiot on a crane
Idiot copying idiot on a crane
Morons who see the devil in movie tickets
Morons who fight at viewing of the Passion of the Christ
Anyone dumb enough to sleep with Dennis Rodman
Ron Mexico (but not Mike Vick, obvs)

If they committed a crime, just send them to jail in another state. For a guy like Brian Nichols, send him to Texas. They love executing people there. If they haven't committed a crime, or maybe just infected some cleatchasers, send them across the border. This isn't a preventative measure, sure. But it is a way to rectify the situation. We need to thin the herd. Separate the wheat from the chaff.

After a few months banishings, we'll be way behind North Carolina (and here and here) in embarassments. That's right Carolina, WHAT?

Feel free to post your own banishment suggestions in comments.


Flick the Button

1. Bugsy: decent, kept my interest, not as good as any of the great mobster films. I never think of Beatty as one of the greats, but in every movie I've seen him in he wins me over. Ben Kingsley needed a bigger role. Keitel was pretty good, but he's been as good before and after. There wasn't just one of those killer scenes that these kind of movies need. I liked it OK, but it just wasn't great enough. On the fence, but tilt towards you're fired.

2. The Dirty Dozen: yeah, I liked it a lot. Lee Marvin is awesome. Charles Bronson and Jim Brown kicked ass. Donald Sutherland was pretty funny too. Telly Savalas creeped me out a whole lot. The problem with it is the lack of a good villain for the first 2 hours (the Nazis appear almost too late, the military brass weren't quite uptight enough, they couldn't make Savalas the prime villain). Anyway, there was still plenty of red meat manly shit to go around and make this a solid film. Also on the fence, but this time I'll tilt towards Cadillac.

3. Spanking the Monkey: I thought I saw this a decade ago, but as I watched it I started to think I might've turned it off after 15 or 20 minutes. It's dated more than it should be. Seems like there are plenty of indie films that were inspired by this (Garden State seems partcularly evocative), and they're all kind of superior. The acting ain't that good. It's not as funny as it could/should be. It also needed some editing on the script (kind of ambles for a while). You're Fired.


I'm not a fan of authority

And I'm not very fond of policemen. So this story kind of pisses me off. I'm feeling pretty Nancy Gracian about it in fact.

But bringing up Flesh-Colored Whatizit Nancy Grace makes me think further. If the victims weren't an African-American ex-con and an illegal immigrant, things would probably be pretty different. If the first victim had been a white, attractive woman, the second would probably still be alive, because the cop would've been convicted by Grace & Greta and a million others on cable news a hundred times over. And maybe the truth about the disappearances would've been found out, regardless of whether Grace et al were right. There is something to be said about publicity. And this story has gotten none, even though it's pretty interesting (at least as much as Laci or the Runaway Bride).

So yeah, I think the semiracist cop probably knows something, and if I were Nancy Grace I'd say he probably raped and murdered them. For some reason I keep thinking of Zed and the Gimp. In any event, if you're planning on getting on TV after a brutal rape and murder, you better be pretty and white.

Saw this at Pandagon.


USA Soccer

Indulge me. Watched England v. USA last weekend. A few thoughts...

We really can't tell much from this match as to the USA's place in the soccer world. England was playing with maybe 3 who might see the field in a major competition (Ashley and Joe Cole, maybe Richardson or Smith). USA was missing a few players too, especially up front. England's depth looks OK, err... especially up front. Andy Johnson looks like the kind of player who would drive defenses crazy and he probably won't ever make the first XI. However, England's defense doesn't look all that great to me. Ashley Cole didn't have a great game, and Sol Campbell is over the hill. Zat Knight is too lumbering. USA blew three really good chances in the first half, and that was with Josh Wolff (best player I've ever seen up close, but I think there are probably 5 or 6 better finishers) and 72 year old Brian McBride.

The best player on the field was Joe Cole. He was everywhere and dominating. I'd say the next 2 best were Landon Donovan and Kasey Keller, though. Then like 6 English players, headed by Richardson. Donovan looked really good. He whipped at least 5 goalscoring chances in, and the forwards really didn't do much with any of them. Bobby Convey looks way too small to compete in a qualifier.

If England had played their full healthy complement against this USA team, it'd have been 5-0. If USA played their full healthy complement against this England team, I'd guess 2-1 USA. If both teams played with a full healthy complement, I'd guess England 3-1.

This Saturday against Costa Rica I have a good feeling about. Donovan is in good form. We need better scorers up front, and I have a feeling that the fact we held out Johnson and (maybe) Beasley for health reasons will pay off.


A note on links

I probably should've said this before now. The links on the sidebar are in no way an endorsement of everything on whatever page it directs you to. There may be something on a linked page which might be unsafe for work viewing, unsuitable for people with easily offended sensibilities, inappropriate, offensive, incorrect, ignorant, libellous/slanderous/defamacastacious (for the Georgia lawyers), and just plain wrong. I do not endorse anything on there unless I direct you straight to it and say I endorse it. As with flipping the channels on your TV, surfer beware. I don't know my readers (if any) well enough to have a links list that attends to their interests, so my links attend to mine. The pages linked to are there because I typically use this page as a starting point for my own dicking around (so I can come back and check the comments and correct something I've screwed up royally). So please don't blame me if Thighs Wide Shut talked about Elisha Cuthbert's breasts and pissed you off.

And on that note, I'm adding a few new links to the list:

Unrealized Scripts: Because Battlefield Jim II will feature my screen debut.

Think Progress: Because I like when people argue by using their opponents' words against them.

Daily Kos: Thought about linking this at first, but a lot gets promoted from the diaries that I just don't agree with. On the other hand, there's a lot of opinion and news coverage that gets visibility here that others ignore because it got visibility here.

Huffington Post: Yeah, I know. It sucks and all, but one post in 20 is actually worth reading.

And I'm dropping Pandagon down a little, because it too has gone down a little lately. It used to be a great bastion of snark, but now it's a little too wonky.


Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Hotter than the Pitstains on Simon's Shirt

A few small things about the American Idol Finale...

1) E! had the red carpet intros, and the lady was watching it. Saw Giuliana DiPandi interview Courtney Love and Frances Bean Cobain strolling in. Very weird. Courtney looks pregnant. Frances looks shockingly well adjusted. Really weird interview. Apparently they are pulling for Bo Bice.

2) I actually respect how the actual program went. Sure, there's terrible ballads and ridiculous group musical numbers. But pulling out David Hasselhoff and the Prime Time Live spoof showed that if nothing else, they're in on the joke. I was cooking and dicking around on the internet most of the time, but the show actually went by pretty fast.

Of course, I don't really give a shit who wins, but I think Bo is better than Carrie.


Champions' League Debriefing

Today's match is pretty much incredible. For the American viewers, imagine a Super Bowl where the New England Patriots were playing against a decent but not great team, like a wild card team or something, say the Seahawks. Now say the Patriots get up 35-0 at halftime, firing on all cylinders and stopping everything the Seahawks did. But the Seahawks come back and win. Seriously, there is no comparison to anything I've seen in American sport, definitely not on this kind of stage. Maybe the Red Sox-Yankees series last year (because Milan is somewhat comparable to the Yankees), but Liverpool is not nearly as good a team as the Red Sox were. Just a fantastic way to end the year.

Here's how I did (and I'm counting yesterday's pick as correct, bitches) for the season:

11/29 right result, 3 right scorelines, 5/11 right advancing. Weak. Next year I'm going the whole year long though.


Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Flick the Button

I Heart Huckabees: A big old mess. It's as undercooked as any film I've seen in a while, and yet it seems to be presented as if it's way above my head and shit. I got it, and I thought it was as annoying as a freshman raising his hand in an upper level philosophy class. Fired, but at the same time a cadillac, because it's all the same. No, wait, I don't have to believe this crap, just fired.



All year long I've been picking like shit. May as well pick a team I kind of like. Shevchenko is the only player on Milan I like to watch. Screw it. Liverpool 2-0. I assure you nobody is betting on my picks. Too bad for Ladbrokes.


Average them Up

(Roswell Version)

1) Maximum Minimum, Until It Happens/You Let It Happen: The sort of clever wispyness that reminds me of a time before my balls dropped, but after my innocence was lost (early April). 6.

2) ButterFat 100, Elegant Nuisance: Throttles my mathematic ability like no other screwed and chopped mix DVD this fiscal quarter. 8.

3) Tishara Quailfeather, As I Became We: Whilst I rocked in my back porch's swing and savored a slightly too tart raspberry scone, I realized that choices made decades ago had in fact made me the person I truly would have murdered then. 2.

4) DotCom.com, Turndown Service: Reminiscent of Gang of Four, Stooges, and probably Stewart & Winfield. 9.

5) Screaming at the Mirror, Only the Proletariat Floss's: Disagree with Cross here. This in no way matches the genius of pre-"FartFlap" Guarrez. 1.

6) University of Blunts, Dirty Dirty Dirty Dirty Dirty Dirty: The smooth, mellifluous tones of every haunting clown nightmare mixed with the faintest tint of an Eastern European's lambgrisle mustache odors. Beyond brilliance. 8.

7) Wittgenstein's Mistress, Gift Code: GET ON THE BED BITCH, NOW! 10.

8) Pillow Logics, Treason to Live: Meh. 2.

9) ThunderPussy, When the Wild Birds Sing: Where Jim Croce listed things you don't do, as in spitting in the wind and pulling the mask off the old Lone Ranger, this track sublimely encourages you to do those same things. In its melody and shit. 7.

10) The Original Apple Dumpling Gang, Thar She Blows: Cross was half right about this. Of course it is derivative of their earlier AIDS milk, but who else can draw AIDS milk from that same AIDS infested cow in such a brutal, punishing, cruel to the animal way. Maybe Linkin Park, but they aren't hot as balls Finnish 19 year old blondes. 12.

Hat tip to Amandagon.


Frozen Ping Pong Ball Update

Watching the NBA Draft lottery right now. Bernard Tolbert is the NBA Director of Security. Where do you have to hide Stern's enemies' bodies to get that job. Jeannie Buss is kind of hot, but clearly a dork. It'd be just great if the Raptors win, just so that terrible Gator dipshit Matt Bonner could piss me off more. Huge waste of my time so far. I'd actually like to go on record as to say it'd probably be best for the Hawks to get the 3rd pick, so they'd be stuck with the third of the good players, rather than have to choose and screw it up.

Hawks... 2nd. Knight looks pissed. We'll still get either Bogut or Paul, so not too shabby.


I actually am alive, despite best efforts.

Thanks and apologies are due...

Thanks to the Wrangler, the General, "Scott", Mitch C., Lowrider, DerkaDerka, Caveman and others who helped me avoid jailtime (a family first, I believe).

Apologies are due to the Athens community, who suffered through a few moments of (GASP!) smoking in a bar, as well as a public display of my genitalia. I also apologize to anyone I may have called. I do not remember, but I think I called DJ, because he called me back.

I remember very little from around 8:00 PM Saturday until about 5:30 PM Sunday. A cop pulled behind me yesterday morning on the way to work and I started sweating that he'd pull me over and breathalyze me. Seriously.

Simply incredible weekend.


Thursday, May 19, 2005

No weekend posting

Birthday + Bachelor Party + dead hookers - inhibitions + Maker's Mark - henpecking fiance + Jackson Street Ballet - GI problem that affected me last weekend - dead hookers x Anchor Pants = find your own shit to read this weekend.

One last bit: Arsenal 3-2 over Man U in a classic. Henry doesn't play, but Roy Carroll screws up twice late to lose the cup.


Tuesday, May 17, 2005


Back in high school I was the heir via the Last Will and Testament of the Walton High School Class of 1993 to the "Question of the Day". I passed a question around in AP US History and AP Government, seeking responses from classmates. The last couple of posts have reminded me of this. I can't remember who ended up with the collected volume of questions. I do remember the occasional clever response.

Ahh, reminiscence.


What is the best way to skin a cat and what are some tips to make it more fun?



Sporting Lisbon v. CSKA Moscow

Sporting is playing at home. CSKA has surprised in every round. Sporting has played well from behind and has probably played tougher competition so far. As much as I want to pick CSKA, the home crowd will be too much.

3-1 Sporting.


Monday, May 16, 2005

Discussion Question

Been making this site more of a forum, and less of a me telling you what to think lately. Oh well.

Question: If you could commit and get away with a serious hate crime against a television character(s), who would it be?

The Cingular Triplets get my vote. Motherfuckers ring the doorbell at their own house on their birthday. Plus, we could solve the peak oil crisis if we just drained the gel from their gross ass metrocuts. Turds.


Note to self

Do not rape Peruvian women.


Universal Pictures

In comments below, there was a little discussion about the movies which are so indelible, so popular or widely seen as to become a part of the vernacular. These films might not be the best, might not even be good. But they are universal. These are the films where if you haven't seen one, people who aren't even fans of movies will be surprised.

I took a stab of making a list of the movies I'd consider universal. Again, these aren't necessarily the best films, or even ones I like. For some, it's the popularity. For others it's the quality. For others it's just something about them that just forced their way into the American consciousness.

Here's a stab at a list, and I'm sure this is somewhat slanted by generation, gender and personal perspective. Feel free to add more in comments.

Star Wars (Original Trilogy)
The Godfather Parts I and II
Gone With The Wind
The Wizard of Oz
Raiders of the Lost Ark
The Graduate
Citizen Kane
The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
Animal House
The Graduate
When Harry Met Sally
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
Peter Pan
Pulp Fiction
Forrest Gump
Back to the Future
Top Gun
Schindler's List

I'm missing 3 of these, and I'm kind of ashamed of it. Well, maybe. I might've seen 2 of the 3 I'm missing, but I think I was too young.


Book Report

Despite a shitty review in the NYT, I read Rebels on the Backlot by Sharon Waxman. It's supposedly a story about how six "revolutionary" directors (Soderbergh, Tarantino, PT Anderson, David O. Russell, Spike Jonze and David Fincher) took on the Hollywood studio system and won. My response: Piece of Shit.

First off, the premise isn't in the book. There was no "taking on" of the Hollywood system. If anything, the studios propped these guys up. Every one of them (except maybe Jonze) was given budgets real rebel directors could only dream of. The book even goes into detail about how the studios viewed boutique and artsy films as important to their bottom line. There were only a few clashes between the studios and the directors (usually about the length of the film). Those were far outweighed by the passages of studio bosses licking director balls.

The real tagline should be "How a mediocre writer knew a few people who knew these six directors, and how she got a book deal by writing gossip that doesn't really mean much of anything." Seriously, the book only goes as far as the sources. Waxman must've known someone close to Soderbergh (probably his former girlfriend, who's featured throughout and even has a solo photo), Tarantino and David O. Russell. Russell's the strange one, mostly because his film rep seems a little lighter than the others. Jonze also only seems like he's in there because he's apparently close to Russell.

There is very little discussion of the artistic choices for the directors. At best she writes about how the studios struggled with (and the directors bitched about) marketing of the films. Tons and tons of gossip and dimestore psychoanalysis, which just goes nowhere. At the end of the book, it felt like I just watched the IFC True Hollywood Story - and that it was just as much of a waste of my time.

Also, there were some serious editing problems. How am I supposed to take the author serious when 50+ pages are devoted to Traffic, and the writer doesn't even know that it was Erika Christensen, not Julia Stiles, who played the drug addled daughter? Weak.

Even if you think this book might be interesting, it isn't. It'll just make you mad that a better book wasn't written about these directors. Do not make my mistake.


Sunday, May 15, 2005

Flick the Button

Been sick over the last couple of days, so I've been pretty much watching movies and sprinting to the bathroom. Missed the last premiership picks of the year, and I'm sure many of you are furious with me at that. On to the films!

Rebecca: Suspenseful, and interesting. A very good film. Normally Olivier bothers me, but here he did the job. I'd put it in the middle of the Hitchcock films, which is still very good. Sharp steak knife.

The Kid: I saw the shorter version with Chaplin's score. Also a really good film. I love the boxing sequences in Chaplin films. The scene where the child is taken away and the Tramp chases after the truck evokes countless Lifetime movies, but with actual emotional involvement by the actors. I liked this better than the other Chaplin films I've seen, so Cadillac.

The Age of Innocence: I didn't get into it. I respect the detail, though I'm afraid the praise this movie got probably encouraged the waste that is Gangs of New York. Also, if forced to choose, I'd pick Winona Ryder over Michelle Pfeiffer every day of the week. I don't get Pfeiffer's appeal. Scorsese has done much better, and this isn't as great as plenty of other movies. You're Fired.

Buffalo Soldiers: I remember reading something about how this kept getting shelved because of the political climate and how it was anti-American or something. I don't see that at all. It doesn't have that much to say about war, or troops or anything else important. Really it's just a pretty straightforward comeuppance film where the underdogs you root for aren't all that likeable to begin with. And the comeuppance isn't much of a payoff. I was prepared to steak knife this about halfway through (and I should get across that it is actually pretty funny), but by the end it was You're Fired.

The Ice Storm: Yeah, this movie pretty much creeped me out. Especially every scene with Christina Ricci. I wasn't emotionally attached to any of the characters, except maybe Tobey Maguire's character (which had too little attention paid to it). The acting is all fine. The score seemed more appropriate to Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon than this. Though it might be good filmmaking, I didn't enjoy it. You're Fired.

The Untouchables: Pretty standard fare, with a few bright spots. Andy Garcia is good. Simple, good guys win, some tense moments. Two scenes elevate it: DeNiro with a baseball bat and the Odessa Steps. Steak Knife.

On the Waterfront: Here's where I'm picking an argument. I did not like this at all. But was it because of context - specifically, because I knew the Kazan backstory? Probably. When Malden gives the crucifixion monologue, I thought it went too far. Plus, Brando is weird looking. I realize that this movie is almost universally praised, but not by me. You're Fired.

Schindler's List: Well, I'm sure everyone has one or two films he definitely should have seen, but for some reason hadn't. This and Gone With The Wind were/are my 2. There's nothing I can say about this film that hasn't already been said. It is just about unassailable to criticism. A remarkable, nearly perfect film. One of the finest ever made and Spielberg will not surpass this. Cadillac.


Tuesday, May 10, 2005

As if I couldn't hate Tech enough already

They've made the beautiful game not beautiful. Good lord I hate those nerds.


I think I fractured my uterus

OK, which is more embarassing?

A) That the Kindergarten Gov's profile has slipped enough to where people actually believed he was dumb enough to advocate blowing up the moon to stop menstruation


B) That one of these people believing this lunacy was truth is a die hard, staunch supporter of Schwarzenegger


C) That the people of Florida elected, MSNBC hired, and millions dozens of people listen to said supporter.

I'd go with C, but I don't want to end up dead in the newsroom at Rockefeller Center.


Droopy Dog Watch

Haven't done it in a while, and I don't want to disappoint you bastards.

This week's article is all about roids and Peter has to make sure his sources/buttbuddies aren'g getting any smears and shit.

Here's the count:
Juan Rincon (against actual, y'know, evidence)
But not Derrick Turnbow. Note to the Brew Crew - better order more knee pads.

Then Peter spends a good portion on clutch hitting (even the sidebar talks about how Renteria might be the best clutch hitter in the game - note, as a fantasy owner of Renteria, this is utter bullshit and covering for Epstein who overpaid for Renteria when he could've had Cabrera for less). Interesting chart on driving in runs from 3rd with less than two out. I'm surprised that the A's are at the bottom (well, sort of... I'm a Chavez owner and he hasn't driven in anyone all year). Also interesting is how the Yankees and Giants are at the top of the list and they both suck. Where's Boston on the list though? Do they look bad? Can't let the Sawwwks look bad, now can we?

And then we come back to Turnbow... Either Peter realized he might've slandered Turnbow above or the Brewers started fluffing (see logic question below).

Next we have the weekly Red Sox Awesomeness Report, this week featuring Bronson Arroyo.

This and That:
Twins Rule too.
David Wells Hearts Mark Buehrle.
The Yankees are tampering with unsigned players whose rights belong to another team (IMO, this is the biggest story on the page, and it's absolutely terrible).
And a shoutout to Jeff Keppinger, the Roy Hobbs of Foley Field.


Logic question

What is the specific term for the fallacy where an either/or question is posed and both is actually correct?

Example: The first half of tonight's American Idol proved that either Country music sucks ass or the AI finalists aren't very talented.


Monday, May 09, 2005

Ask Lord Douchebag

Dear Lord Douchebag:

I don't know anything about sports.
Tell me something.

- Choppa Grundleslammer

First off, this question is bullshit. He knows enough about sports to win the high jump at the Dickerson Middle School Olympic Day. With a freaking Scissor Kick style. But if you want to know something, I'll oblige.

In 1897, the University of Georgia played the University of Virginia in football and a star player for Georgia was injured fatally in the game. This was before helmets, pads, or anything to protect the player. The player who died was named Von Gammon. It was such a huge story that Georgia, Georgia Tech and Mercer all disbanded their teams. The Georgia General Assembly gets involved and passes a law banning football within the state. Before the Governor signs the bill, Gammon's grieving mother sends a letter to her representative saying how much Von loved football and how terrible it would be if his death caused the end of the game he loved so much. The letter was publicized widely and it so moved the legislators and the Governor that he never signed the bill. The movement to ban the sport tuckered out.

So there ya go.


Premiership Midweek

Not too much left to decide at the top. One UEFA spot and the relegated 3 are all left. Welcome back Sunderland. Wigan Athletic joins the party with cash to spend and will probably be up for a while, like Fulham, but, because of the relatively shortlived tradition, will never really challenge the biggest clubs, like Fulham. For some reason I think Derby County is going through the playoffs.

Last week: 5/10, 2 right scorelines. So far: 41/110, 7 right scorelines.

This Week, kind of weird that the top 4 are playing each other:

Manchester United v. Chelsea: 1-1. Chelsea have too much pride and nothing to play for but that.
Arsenal v. Everton: 3-1. Arsenal are just better.


Some tips on the greatest shit ever

Haunted Honkies: The Wrangler knows these guys from NC State via Peru. Wild tangent - When said Wrangler was in Peru, he didn't shave. Plus the average height of locals in Peru is like 4'9". Wrangler is like 6'1". So he'd walk around Lima as a giant white dude with a beard and wearing Chacos with like a hundred 8 year old Limans chasing him yelling "Jesuchristo!" In the rougher parts of town he'd get beady eyed to appeal to the more religious thugs. Alas, back to the Honkies. Pretty spectacular ironic white rap in Spanish at times. Atras de mi Caddy is my favorite.

Lil Flip Scoldjah: The realest. Whether he's getting head or eating lembas bread, this is the shit.

Brian Jordan's slide into home in the second inning tonight: Might change my opinion on him.

The edited Rosie O'Donnell retarded movie: Make sure you've got some toilet paper nearby, cause you'll either shit your pants or wanna get in a quick whoop. (sound)

Alize Bleu: will probably single handedly kill 3/4 of the brain cells of the earth if everyone knew about it. Definitely gay looking. Definitely the greatest thing I've ever had down my throat. It probably isn't a good idea to take food and drink advice from Fat Joe, but the man knows what's good.


All Apologies

I was planning on writing lots this past weekend, but I ran into the two headed hound of hell named Old Chub and Alize at a Derby Party with Cocaine Bref et al. Which ruled, as on display here and here.

Nonetheless, my goal for now is to have more original content on here, so you all have a reason to check back in occasionally. Therefore I promise:

  • Fewer embarrassing soccer predictions (season's over).
  • More Misanthropy
  • Fewer posts that invite a comments argument from Hillary.
  • More posts that invite universal disgust and shame.
  • Fewer posts that say "Not much to argue about in Gammons' column today".
  • More Alize.

And there you have it. Time to get this shit wrapped like a mummy.


Saturday, May 07, 2005

Flick the Button

1. Dogville: Well, I'm not sure I can think of another film that almost begs for serious criticism - and not the kind like "It was good/bad". As I watched it I started thinking of feminist criticism, marxist criticism, deconstruction, etc. But it also brings up another point. Is criticism of America - which this film clearly tries (quite successfully at time) - necessarily "anti-American"? While watching, I kept thinking how viciously cutting the criticism was. Anyway, I could go on for hours on this. As for my opinion of it, I thought it was absolutely genius. I would not recommend it to others, but it is definitely a cadillac.

2. Koyaanisqatsi: Beautiful at times, I guess. Not subtle, and yes, repetitive. Copied frequently ever since. I'm sure it was revolutionary when it came out, but now it seems a little, well, passe. Makes me wonder why Madonna's Ray of Light video was so universally praised. I don't know if I could give it an honest grade.

3. Ali G Indahouse: Dumb comedy that made me laugh. Totally different from the TV show. The TV show uses dumb comedy to tear into serious stuff. This uses dumb comedy to tear into horse cock jokes. But I laughed pretty hard throughout. Steak Knife.


Friday, May 06, 2005

Premiership Picks

Last week: 3/10, 2 right scorelines. 36/100 so far, 5 right scorelines.

This weekend:

Chelsea v. Charlton Athletic: 2-0
Aston Villa v. Manchester City: 2-2
Blackburn Rovers v. Fulham: 1-0
Crystal Palace v. Southampton: 2-1
Everton v. Newcastle United: 1-1
Middlesbrough v. Tottenham Hotspur: 2-1
Norwich City v. Birmingham City: 1-0
Portsmouth v. Bolton Wanderers: 1-1
Manchester United v. West Bromwich Albion: 3-0
Arsenal v. Liverpool: 2-1

Wrap up post on the entire season to come tomorrow...


Thursday, May 05, 2005


CSKA Moscow v. Parma: 2-0
AZ Alkmaar v. Sporting: 1-0

I'd pick CSKA and AZ today, but I'm stuck with Parma and Sporting from before.


Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Ask Lord Douchebag

One of the things I hate about sports columnists online is the way almost all of them use a mailbag to write one of their columns. It goes beyond laziness. Even worse is the way columnists bitch about the questions they get from the masses. If someone is doing all of your work, don't mock him, asshat. And worst of all is the way some columnists not only mock their correspondents, but don't answer the question either. Twat. And yet, I cannot help but read all of them. As ever, I'm dumb as a bag of balloons.

Anyway, I now propose to begin my running column, Ask Lord Douchebag. Remit any questions on any topics to lord.douchebag@gmail.com. And if I don't get any questions, I'll just make up something and add my own shitty responses.

Like now:

Dear Lord Douchebag: Why is Tony LaRussa such a turd? - Reggie Taint, Atlanta

A bitch is a bitch, Reggie. Might be the fact that he's choked in World Series more than any other recipient of a George Will BJ. Maybe remorse over how he pissed away the years when his players were able to juice the fuck out of their arms. Maybe he's just pissed that his mullet back in the early 90s never matched that of Eckersley's. Maybe because his transitions lenses never quite get dark enough during the day, never clear enough at night. Anyway, he can eat a dick.

Dear Lord Douchebag: How is the upcoming British election going to pan out? - Nigel Browneye, Woodstock

Well, Nigel, Labor holds government, but loses ground to everyone else. Biggest percentage-wise gains for Plaid Cymru and SNP. Tories do not make up any ground and they'll rue this missed opportunity for years. Charles Kennedy is hilarious looking. And no, I'm not a member of the House of Lords. My family sold our seat to Rhode Island as a Dirty Borough way back when. And that's why people from Rhode Island are all Douchebags.

Dear Lord Douchebag: How freaking hilarious was the Daily Show's bit on Laura Bush's jokes the other night? - Belinda Areola, Buchanan

Piss yourself funny. Horse cock jokes always work though.

Dear Lord Douchebag: Do you feel like an idiot for putting so many eggs in Jim Thome's basket for your fantasy baseball team? - Randy Dingleberry, Arcade

No. I always feel like an idiot. Jim Thome's steroid suspension begins tonight!

Dear Lord Douchebag: Wazzup DUUDEE!!! Why don't you give my Texas Tech Red Raiders some credit, DOGGGGG!! Throwing the ball is teh raddddd. - Roy Dipshit, Lubbock

Hey, you're right! That's a solid sleeper pick for the Big 12 south! Oh wait, I'm supposed to be annoyed by these kinds of emails. Screw you and the horse you rode in on, with its enormous cock. I won't make any pronouncements about football, or your team ON PRINCIPAL, assface.

And with that, we're off and running. Feel free to submit your questions, which I probably won't answer. I will, however, rename you after words that a 12 year old would laugh at.


Champions' League

I like PSV to score a goal, but they won't win the tie. 1-0 PSV and I'm stuck with my earlier pick.

I like Chelsea to get an away goal, but Liverpool to tie it late causing unease. 1-1, Chelsea advance.


Monday, May 02, 2005

Back on the map

Too many thoughts in my head over the last few days...

1. Saw a few commercials for the Super Nanny Season Finale. Can a show like that have a finale? Will there be a cliffhanger? Super Nanny is Pregnant... and which screaming 3 year old is the father???

2. Runaway Bride: Finally my gender wins one. Every time there's a moronic story in the national news, the first instinct for every news whore from wigged skeleton Judy Woodruff to flesh colored Whatizit Nancy Grace is to presume the dude killed her. A few more years of that and the next generation of men might not know the FACT that all women are freaking insane. Finally, we have a piece of empirical evidence to hold over their heads FOREVER!!!

3. Is it just me or is there not as much interesting shit to write about?

4. I'll handle Gammons later in the week when I can stomach his bullshit.

5. Is American Idol the barometer of taste in America? I think not. I think American Idol is an excellent gauge of what America liked five years ago. Based on last season's victory by ashamed single mother Fantasia Barrino, it could be surmised that America loved Macy Gray in 1999. The year before, based on Grimace lookalike Ruben Studdard and Semigay Southerner Clay Aiken, we can tell that Michael Olowokandi and Peyton Manning would be the top draft picks. From the first season, when semihot and tanky in a good way too Kelly Clarkson was victorious, we can tell that the big thing in '97 was Kate Winslet's curves in Titanic. And I've beaten the metaphor to death. Anyway, based on this theory, the year 2000 was huge for cocaine, in that Bo Bice and Paula Abdul are representing it hardcore. Let me make a few things clear for the legal department: I have no knowledge that Paula is doing coke. For all I know it may be a number of other illegal drugs. All I know is that if she isn't on something hard, she's got bigger issues.

6. The Lady has demanded that all readers know that we're getting married in less than three months. So all you broads who want to get your hands on me, go take a cold shower. Sluts.

7. This has turned out to be a pretty misogynistic post. Let the record show that I hate men too.